- Candy, is dandy, but Liquor, is quicker.
- Happiness is having a scratch for every itch.
- One man's remorse is another man's reminiscence.
- If you don't want to work, you have to work to earn enough money so that you won't have to work.
- A husband is a guy who tells you when you've got on too much lipstick
and helps you with your girdle when your hips stick.
- Progress might have been alright once, but it has gone on too long.
- Middle age is when you've met so many people that every new person you meet reminds you of someone else.
- Middle age is when you're sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn't for you.
- There is only one way to achieve happiness on this terrestrial ball, and that is to have either a clear conscience or none at all.
- I think that I shall never see
A billboard as lovely as a tree.
Perhaps unless the billboards fall,
I'll never see a tree at all.
- Beneath this slab
John Brown is stowed.
He watched the ads
And not the road.
- Children aren't happy with nothing to ignore,
And that's what parents were created for.
- I do not like to get the news, because there has never been an era when so many things were going so right for so many of the wrong persons.
- There is only one way to achieve happiness on this terrestrial ball, and that is to have either a clear conscience or none at all.
- The cow is of the bovine ilk; one end is moo, the other milk.
- There are people who are very resourceful, at being remorseful, and who apparently feel that the best way to make friends is to do something terrible and then make amends.
- A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of.
- A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold.
- Certainly there are things in life that money can't buy, but it's very funny - Did you ever try buying then without money?
- The only people who should really sin are the people who can sin and grin.
- Do you think my mind is maturing late, or simply rotted early?
- I think remorse ought to stop biting the consciences that feed it.
- The bed is a bundle of paradoxes: we go to it with reluctance, yet we quit it with regret; we make up our minds every night to leave it early, but we make up our bodies every morning to keep it late.
- People who work sitting down get paid more than people who work standing up.
- Commitments the voters don't know about can't hurt you.
- The trouble with a kitten is that when it grows up, it's always a cat.
- The bronx? No thonx.
- Too clever is dumb.
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