- So much news, so little space. Is Sammy Sosa guilty of insider trading or does Martha put cork in her casserole?
- The rest of us may be in code orange, but the NRA is in, "What, me worry?" code green.
- "The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage."
- As I understand President Bush's Medicare plan, it provides for unlimited coverage for anyone over 72 whose parents can pass the physical.
- Two sporting events this past weekend were the Democratic debate and the Kentucky Derby. The winner was a long-shot gelding. As was also the case at the Derby.
- I'm shocked, shocked. Virtues czar, William Bennett, admits to having lost $8 million in Las Vegas and Atlantic City. Virtue is its own reward - unless you roll snake eyes.
- Bennett says that gambling is not a sin. As it says in the Bible, love thy neighbor, but first cut the cards.
- A majority of Republican House members plan to let the ban on assault weapons expire in September, which means more people will expire in October.
- This year marks the bicentennial of the Louisiana Purchase, a huge amount of land that we bought for a song from France. Today, we shouldn't be surprised if France wants it back.
- Since taking office, Bush has held nine press conferences, which is way too many. He should pre-record his four answers and every so often Press Secretary Ari Fleischer could play them for the reporters.
- Add this to your airline anxiety: Henceforth, all checked baggage must be unlocked. The resulting thefts should lighten the gross weight as well.
- Growing cancer-causing tobacco is legal while growing marijuana, which comforts cancer patients, is illegal. This is in keeping with the overall federal plan to afflict the afflicted.
- What's the difference between a teacher and a pizza? A pizza can feed a family of four.
- Have you noticed the theme wallpaper at Bush's recent appearances? Inspiring slogans are printed on the wall behind him - "corporate responsibility," "economic recovery," etc. "Mayday! Mayday!" would be more appropriate.
- Question: If the market drops 200 points during a 2,000-word speech by the president, would not a rally be triggered if he made shorter speeches?
- Little kids on planes are given wings to pin on just like the pilot. I guess the children will now be getting toy pistols.
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